~ Lesson Learned Entry ~ (I AM LEARNING)

*** Triggered Warning: This Journal entry mentions SA ***

This morning I got triggered by a past event that happened last year. I was at my older sister's wedding. I saw an old friend of my mom's. I haven’t seen this lady in years. What I thought was going to be a fun and loving time, ended up becoming a stressful and triggering moment.

She kept physically touching me and I felt incredibly disrespected and triggered. Women are supposed to uplift and compliment each other. But, yet I felt degraded in front of everyone by the hands of her. And I did not know how to handle this situation.

I have this bad habit where if something makes me uncomfortable and it’s hard for me to speak up I just laugh it off. So I am guessing in her mind that meant it was okay to CONTINUE to physically touch me throughout the entire night.

I was SA’d as a child and I was not allowed to set boundaries/say NO to my parents or to any adult figure for that matter. And I realized that this unfortunate habit has followed me into my young adult life.

I went through all the logistics of that night.

If I said NO and STOP, would she have actually stopped?

If I said stop touching me, would she have gotten offended/angry with me?

Is she touching my ass because she knows that she can get away with it due to how long we have known each other?

Is she touching me because my dress is short and she’s trying to teach me a lesson?

Did she think I was attractive and thought that physically touching me was a genuine compliment??? Because it’s not.

I don’t really know what the motive was but I didn’t like it.

At the end of the day, none of these reasons are valid! If someone gets mad at you for speaking up on a boundary - especially when it comes to being physically touched - then they are the problem!!! Don’t be afraid to speak up and place a boundary even if you think they’ll not like it or you.

As a person, I would never smack someone’s ass - period.

This is my mother's friend and she should know better than to physically touch someone like this but I guess not everyone has respect for other people.

She took a beautiful moment of my sister getting married (that I was supposed to enjoy) and turned this memory ugly.

At the end of the day, you don’t know people's stories, backgrounds, life, or past. Even if you think you do because you watched them grow up! Respect people and don’t just touch them without their consent no matter the relationship.

I was beating myself up a bit as I reflected on this memory. I felt ashamed, disrespected, and embarrassed. Embarrassed of how I didn’t speak up ~ and went straight into my trauma response. But, no matter what, I see what I have to work on now. I am learning how to vocalize my boundaries and giving grace to myself when I fail to do so <3 Lesson Learned.