A week into my Celibacy Journey

The question I keep asking myself is "Why do you keep imagining rough sex?" This Celibacy thing is going but sometimes I have to remind myself why I am doing this. I am giving myself grace because I feel like I could be doing a better job. I haven't really checked in on my yoni, haven't talked to her, asked how she's feeling, or even journaled about my experience so far.

I don't feel invigorated, free, independent, or empowered. I get a weird burst of being horny but that's about it. Since my celibacy journey has started it's been hard to sleep because I just want a good fuck to fall asleep. But I noticed that I use sex as a coping mechanism which is not healthy.

Before I didn't see the big picture but now I do. I really use sex as a band-aid for my past trauma/negative experiences to numb myself or provide some type of stimulation. Is that why I am really not that intuned when I have sex? Why I can't get wet easily when I have sex? Why do I imagine things/ppl in my head while fucking? Why I don't feel feminine or feel like a woman when I have sex? I'm not present. My soul floats away.

Why do I feel this way?

I know that this has everything to do with me. Or is it the person that I'm with that makes me feel this way? This is the only real relationship that I've experienced in my adult life. Am I going the right route within myself? But I love my partner, but if so why do I feel so disconnected from my womanhood sometimes? It's like a switch that I don't know how to control. I know deep down this has to do with my SA in the past, this has to do with my yoni and heart not being connected anymore, this has to do with my soul floating away every time I want to get intimate. If 1 week has discovered this about myself then I can't wait for my 6-week journey to continue. Here's to reconnecting to myself <3

TBC...