CHEER

Trigger Warning *This article mentions SA*

I was watching cheer, and when I got to the Jerry episode it brought up some familiar and overwhelming emotions.

I AM TRIGGERED!!!!

Overwhelmed by my SA, it sneaks up behind me sometimes. When I think I’ve healed and that I’m over it. But then Boom! Consumed with heaviness.

When I was a kid I was constantly angry and scared, constantly crying myself to sleep, constantly empty because my childhood was robbed. After an experience like that, you don’t see things the same. A predator and an underaged child. This wounded child doesn’t know who to go to for help. It feels like no one can save you. Feeling like your constantly drowning.

I loved this person, looked up to this person and they took advantage. They took advantage of a situation of a child who wasn’t watched enough, listened to enough, seen enough, or cared for enough. He saw a crack and used it.

I still feel like I have no one to go to, to talk about this. I don’t want pity, I don’t want “your a (blank)” nonsense statement. I just want to talk about it freely with zero judgment and heal.

I don’t want to be fucking strong about this. I’m here to be vulnerable and speak my truth.

Watching this episode made me realize that I still have some more healing to do from my past trauma of SA. I am happy that I’ve come this far in my journey. Before I couldn’t even talk about it without crying. I would just think about it and end up in tears.

I noticed that as I was healing this shit wasn’t going to be a straight line. It’s more like a spider Webb or an onion. There are so many avenues and layers to my trauma from SA. I realized that part of my trauma has morphed into my identity/personality. My SA happened when I was only seven years old. A baby. So I have a lot of defense mechanisms/false statements that I would input into my life so that I can continue on.

The Jerry episode took me a week to finish because I got triggered halfway through and had to stop watching it.

Towards the end of the episode, they mentioned that Jerry was being held in Chicago where I am currently living. I decided to look up his case to see when his trial will be starting. His court date is February 10th, 2022.

This episode was just incredibly heartbreaking.

Thank you for reading my thoughts.

I just want to say that to anyone who is going through this.

I am here for you. This is a safe haven and I am sending you love and light throughout your healing journey.

Peace and Love,

My Chi Chi Pies 💜